As the choruses of bloggers and essayists who have rushed to print in the last week have reminded us, perpetrators can rely on the majority of children to tell no one about their sexual abuse; most will carry the secret to their graves. Child molesters, especially trusted and respected adult authority figures like priests, coaches and teachers, gain control of their prey gradually rather than resorting to violent assault. They know how to target children with low self-esteem or poor parental support, and then spend weeks or months working their way into the child’s life with gifts, praise and outings. First physical touching, the stroke of a knee or a hug, becomes a normal part of the ‘relationship’, and when the more invasive forms of abuse begin, the child’s fate is sealed.

The Penn State tragedy is also a powerful reminder that child molesters can also count on the inaction of adults – and not just those in positions of authority. In my more than thirty years as a child abuse attorney representing victims, I have sadly seen that most people do exactly what the Pennsylvania Attorney General has accused two Penn State administrators of doing: Either they avoid asking the difficult questions, or they choose to look the other way. Countless times I have heard, ‘I felt something was going on but I just didn’t know what to do,’ or, ‘It wasn’t my place to say something.’

The scandal at Penn State also shows us that even when abuse is reported to civil authorities, the system cannot be relied upon for decisive action. According to the grand jury report in 1998, a mother reported to the University Police that Sandusky showered with her 11-year-old son. When confronted, Sandusky admitted he was wrong for showering and hugging the boy in the shower. The police told Sandusky not to shower with any child again and took no further action. Case closed. Would a cop who catches a criminal trying to break into a bank tell him not to do it again and send him on his way?

Most Americans are outraged that Penn State turned a blind eye to a pattern of child sex crimes in its athletic program, and at the heart of their indignation is the righteous certainty that they themselves, along with their family, friends, neighbors and co-workers, would have handled things differently. They would have gone straight to the police. Immediate action would have been taken. Not only does my experience as a child molestation attorney representing victims of abuse by clergy and Boy Scout leaders suggest the exact opposite is true, but so do the statisitics: In any one year, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime, about 90,000 cases of sexual abuse are reported, yet almost all experts agree that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused. The fact that such vast numbers of child sex crimes go unreported paints a disturbing picture of mass denial and apathy. Every day, all over America, people are choosing to look the other way when confronted with something suspicious between an adult and a child. When are we going to recognize this and begin to take responsibility?

While the national dialogue has rightly zeroed in on the alleged rape of a 10-year-old boy in a Penn State shower room, it is the stories of the other seven victims that raise the more complex and disturbing questions about our collective responsibility. The grand jury report shows that from 1994 through 2008, Sandusky surrounded himself with young boys, not only inviting them to sleep at his house on numerous occasions (where several of them were allegedly molested), but purchasing most of them expensive gifts like golf clubs, a computer, dress clothes, a snowboard and hockey equipment. At various times these young boys regularly accompanied him to Penn State football practices along with Philadelphia Eagles and college bowl games, and also to restaurants, family picnics, golf outings, tailgate parties and even church. During all these years, is it really possible that absolutely no one in Sandusky’s life – which I am sure is filled with decent people – had any inkling that Sandusky was up to something with all these young boys? With all these victims (and I believe more will come forward), no one in 14 years observed anything that made them the least bit uncomfortable? Really?

If it is true that not one of what must have been scores of people saw any red flags in Sandusky’s dealings with children, then the sexual abuse crisis is dramatically worse even than I thought. Have we failed to learn anything from the sexual abuse scandals that have swept our country over the last decade? Has it not been made clear that individuals and institutions are universally too slow to act? How much more education do we need about such an obvious public health crisis? I thought we had finally gotten past the tragically mistaken idea that child sexual abuse is a crime committed only by slovenly strangers in filthy raincoats – never by our respected friends and co-workers. It seems the Sandusky case may prove me wrong.

Grand jury investigations are extremely effective at ferreting out the truth of the Church’s decades-long practices, which have wreaked havoc on the lives of untold numbers of innocent boys and girls. Grand juries are have not only the immense power to demand documents (ones that in a civil damage case the Church typically fights  tooth and nail to turn over) but the absolute authority to subpoena bishops and other high-ranking Church officials to testify about subjects that typically would not otherwise see the light of day.

Unfortunately, despite the effectiveness of this investigative tool, it has rarely been used by local district attorneys. Since the Boston Archdiocese scandal broke in 2002, there have been only a handful of grand jury investigations – the most prominent being the investigations of the Rockville Centre Diocese; the Diocese of Manchester, NH; the Archdiocese of Boston; the Diocese of Portland, Me.; and the Diocese of Phoenix. These few grand juries are a testament to the reality of the immense political will it takes to convene a grand jury to investigate a diocese.

The grand jury investigation of the Diocese of Kansas City is also a powerful reminder that the sexual abuse crisis in the Catholic Church is far from over. Because of the debilitating emotional and psychological effects of sexual abuse, it takes decades for victims to come forward. These victims deserve justice; where harsh statutes of limitations prevent clergy abuse lawyers from filing civil actions on behalf of victims, the grand jury investigation is the next best thing.

Once a parent realizes that child sexual abuse is most often perpetrated by a known and trusted adult, the next step is to learn how child molesters typically operate. When you understand the process the molester follows, it becomes easier to spot the subtle signs of sexual abuse.

Grooming

The most common pattern of child sexual abuse involves the adult using his or her position of authority and influence to first gain the child or teen’s trust, then to slowly ease his or her way further into the child’s life by giving them money, presents and, most importantly, showering them with attention. This process is called grooming and follows a very deliberate pattern.

It may be difficult to understand, but child molesters succeed in large part because they are simply very good at what they do. They spend their lives learning about kids – what they like to do, what they like to hear, etc. Child molesters are the real-life pied pipers because they know exactly how to excite and cater to a vulnerable child. It is also common that child molesters will work their way into a potential child victim’s life by befriending the family.

These molesters are a patient bunch. They know it takes many months – sometimes even a year – to gain a child’s attention (and the parents’ trust). They have no problem showering the child with attention, meaningful pep talks and small gifts, never touching the child even once throughout the process.

Physical Touching

After the child becomes very comfortable with the molester, the physical touching commences. And when I use the phrase physical touching, I do not mean touching in any way that most children would recognize or understand as sexual touching or even inappropriate touching, despite the fact that the molester certainly processes the touching as a sexually gratifying event.

This touching includes but is not limited to a tussle of the hair, a brief rubbing of the leg or even a quick hug. All through this phase, the molester continues to keep the child drawn to him by paying compliments, buying small gifts, etc.

Sexualized Touching

This is a critical phase, because it is the time when the molester makes a calculated determination as to whether he can proceed to the next step of the process. This step involves more invasive sexualized touching, such as back rubs or brushing his hand – seemingly innocently – over the child’s genitals or breasts.

Many children will shrink from such touching for a variety of reasons – they intuitively know it is wrong or have been told about good and bad touching by a parent or teacher. Molesters thrive on the compliance and silence of their victims. If a child resists the molester’s touchings, he will probably move on. It is simply not worth it to him to go after non-compliant child.

Because the typical child molester has contact with scores if not hundreds of children in his life, he becomes highly skilled at identifying the subtle signs as to whether he can proceed to increasingly more invasive touching.

Ensuring Silence

Coaches, priests and Boy Scout leaders who molest children all become skilled at identifying vulnerable children, such as those who are starved for affection or lack self-esteem. These children are perfect targets for the molester’s attention.

As the touchings proceed to sexual acts, the adult further exploits the child’s trust by variously saying things like “these are things friends do with each other” or “what we do with each other when we are alone has to be kept as our secret.” Soon the sexual abuse becomes a normal, routine part of the child’s life. The molester now has what he wants.

Only after the molester has woven the child into his web does he begin with the threats. These can be varied, from, “If you tell anyone what I am doing to you, nobody will believe you,” to, “If you tell anyone about this I will kill you,” or perhaps the most frightening threat to a child, “I will hurt your mommy and daddy very badly – or kill them.”

If anyone questions how commonplace these types of threats actually are, all they have to do is read Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown’s recently released biography Against All Odds, in which he recounts the threats from his abuser:

“He said, ‘If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you. I will make sure that no one believes you.’ ” Better yet, listen to the Senator in his own words.

Knowing who molests children and how to spot inappropriate behavior will go a long way toward protecting your child.

[ photo by: familymwr ]

As an attorney and children’s rights advocate who has advocated on behalf of sexually abused children for decades, I am often asked by parents and others: How can I protect my child from being sexually abused?

In response, I tell them the most important thing to understand is how the average child molester thinks and operates. When you have some basic knowledge of these perpetrators, you will be better able to protect your child. Following are common myths about child sexual abuse, and the truths behind them.

Myth #1: Stranger Danger

First and foremost, you have to drop the idea that the greatest danger of sexual molestation comes from strangers lurking outside of schools or in malls. That simply isn’t true. While some kids are victimized by complete strangers, most are infinitely more likely to be sexually abused by people who are known to them and whom they look up to – people who are placed in positions of trust by the community. These adults are so woven into the fabric of the child’s daily life that they are often seen as incapable of harming the child.

Unfortunately, because of the inordinate media attention that has been paid to stranger-related kidnapping and sexual assault cases over the last few decades, the public has been falsely led to believe in stranger danger. Media attention in the last ten years focusing on the predatory behavior of teachers, coaches, Boy Scout leaders and the clergy has gone a long way toward educating the public about the dangers posed by trusted adults – but it hasn’t gone far enough.

Myth #2: Violence

The other fact that parents and the public in general seem to have a difficult time wrapping their minds around is this: Sexual abuse is only occasionally carried out by these trusted adults in a forceful, physically aggressive manner.

The majority of child molesters never beat or use other violence when molesting children. The goal of trusted adult molesters is to fly under the radar, to achieve their goals by spinning a web of kindness and solicitude in such a way that the sexual abuse becomes a normal part of the child’s life.

These common myths about child sexual abuse often lull parents into a false sense of security. In order to protect children from being molested, it is essential that we overcome these myths and learn to focus our attention in the proper place.

[ photo by: Mrs Logic ]

Why do abused children remain silent? Why do they not report to trusted adults such as their teachers or police officers what is done to them behind closed doors?

First and foremost, sexually and physically abused kids are simply too fearful and powerless to help themselves. Untold thousands of these children will go to school today and tomorrow without telling their teachers the horrors visited upon them the night before. They will travel quietly through the day, passing police officers, neighbors and friends, never revealing the anguish of their existences. And if by chance someone asks them how they are being treated at home their response will be uniformly the same: “Okay.”

As adults we expect all human beings to escape or at least want to escape when someone injures them, but for battered children, the reverse occurs. Perhaps the most insidious aspect of child abuse is that it binds the child closer to the abuser. The parents’ threats and intimidation engender in their children not only fear but self-blame and embarrassment – all of which turn a child’s survival mechanism topsy turvy. Love and violence become so inextricably confused that even when the abuse is reported, the children will often kick and scream as they are being removed from their draconian environment by a social worker.

The other aspect that makes child abuse, especially sexual abuse, the perfect crime is that most adults continue to believe child rearing is a private matter and that adults in positions of trust such as religious figures, coaches or youth leaders would never harm a child. As a rule most adults don’t want relatives, friends or neighbors telling them how to raise their children, and in return they refuse to intervene or say something if they observe a problem with someone else’s child. While we all cherish our right to privacy, our devotion to this cornerstone of democracy is strangling the lives of thousands of children every year. Abusive parents and trusted adult leaders thrive on isolation, and that is exactly what society gives them.

Daily, people turn a blind eye to the screams, bruises and frightened eyes of battered and molested children. Their reactions actively reinforce the offending parents’ omnipotence and send a message to the children: “You’re on your own, no one is going to help you.” By powerful social training, we are more likely to intervene on behalf of a dog being kicked by its owner than a child being mistreated by a parent. As Americans, we routinely gawk at the suffering of car accident victims but avert our eyes and ears when we see a child being backhanded in a supermarket.

These social and cultural dynamics, which permit parents to maim, torture and abuse their children to death, require us to rethink our entire approach to ameliorating what is a clearly a public health problem. Our present child abuse intervention policy relies exclusively on the investigative efforts of mandatory reporters such as teachers, social workers, doctors and law enforcement officers. While these advocates for children are ideally suited to identify a suspiciously cut lip or black eye, they are not the ones who were present when the injury was originally inflicted. This is not to denigrate the efforts of these professionals, but the reality is that by the time a police officer or social services worker gets involved, the damage has been done.

Instead, what we require to battle this scourge is the affirmative involvement of the child’s extended family, friends and neighbors. We need to begin a massive public education effort to reverse deeply ingrained social attitudes that tell an adult, “How my relative, neighbor or friend treats her child is not my business.” Every adult needs to become a child advocate, the voice of a child who is too afraid, too vulnerable to speak for herself.

[photo: WagsomeDog]